Still not good enough

Friday, May 17, 2013

I feel defeated

 

For the past 4 years, I have steadily been looking for a job and I hate that feeling and want it to end. In 2010-2011, I was looking for a job in Texas, anywhere in Texas, to move Chris and I from Shawnee, OK. In 2010, I was offered a job in Midlothian, TX but declined the offer because we just felt Houston was a better choice over the DFW metro area for our family needs. In 2011, after Chris accepted his new teaching position at Aldine ISD, I spent over 2 months looking for a job teaching band or elementary music. I accepted my current position in late June and felt as if it was all part of God's plan, and ours too, as we wanted to continue our family's growth and have a 2nd child. In June 2012, Baby Luke graced us with his presence and while I was going to stay at my current position so I could have some maternity leave in the fall of 2012, I was still on the look-out for any possible band positions since I knew that is where I wanted to eventually get back in! Now here I sit in the spring of 2013 still searching, at this point frantically, for a band job! I have a "To-Do" list EVERY SINGLE DAY that I check countless school district  and other websites for postings. I feel like I cannot even relax or enjoy the fact that it is May and the end of the school year is near because I am anxious about finding and locating a BAND job.

 

I went on an interview last week for Huntsville ISD. This was an interview for 1 of 2 jobs at the intermediate school. The interview went really well except for 1 area when the Head Band Director asked me what I knew about Huntsville and Sam Houston Music Department. I did not attend or graduate from Sam Houston so honestly I did not know very much about the university or its music department. It seemed as if several of the directors, presidents and other higher up people at Sam Houston had kids who were part of the band program at Huntsville so they wanted someone who was familiar with Sam Houston and its Fine Arts department. Despite having a MASTERS and 8 years of teaching experience, they went with 2 people straight out of college from Sam Houston.

Honestly, this is where my frustration and depression started. I feel like all the hard work I put into getting a Masters degree in 2009 is a "moo" point and not even appreciated. I feel like since I have not taught band in Texas and am not in band currently, many people are overlooking me and finding others who have that experience in Texas or are young enough that Head Directors can "MOLD" into their own liking. I get that feeling like "I am still not good enough"! What else can I do to get these jobs?

All of that frustration happened in mid-May and then last week I saw on Facebook that a friend/ colleague of mine from OU had been offered and accepted the Director of Bands Position at a major university in Oklahoma. This friend and I spent all of our undergraduate days together in Catlett and were pretty competitive with each other by nature. We even taught in the same region in Oklahoma and were colleagues for 5 years. He quit teaching and started working on his Masters in PERFORMANCE about 3 years ago. He had always wanted to perform and teach horn lessons and not so much band. We always joked that I could be the band director and he would teach applied lessons. While I did not know this Director of Bands Position was open and did not apply, as I saw the post and update on Facebook I immediately felt joy and happiness for him but selfishly I was jealous and frustrated. He never wanted the "Head College Band Director" gig I like did. I have always had a dream of doing this and there was my dream job just miles away from my home and I was not there to apply or even know about it!

I have always dreamed of being a "Big-Time" band director, teaching high school or college and here I sit just longing to teach ANY type of band. I feel so anxious and am yearning to be on the podium once more. I know I just have to relax and trust God to open the right door. But that is easier said than done!

 

I realize it is only May and several weeks remain in the prime time job hunt but I am feeling defeated and as if I will not be able to locate a band job. I have my name in several different schools and programs in the North Houston metro area but have yet to hear anything from any of them. Some of them have implied they may not interview until school in out (Second week of June) but I am getting restless.

 

I really REALLY want to teach band again and I feel as if that is where God has called me to be and teach. I am anxiously waiting for Him to open and close doors but once again, I am failing at the PATIENCE game. As my dad ALWAYS says, "This is a FAITH issue. Trust Him and He will do the rest". I do currently have a job and even though I am not satisfied with it and have basically become burnt out of teaching because of it, I do have a job so that is a good thing.

 

Please continue to pray for me as I strive to find a band teaching job. I pray that God will open my eyes to His plan and help me and guide me in the way HE wants me to go. I covet your prayers!

 

Even in a time of waiting...

GOD IS GOOD... ALL THE TIME!