Thursday, December 1, 2011

Different? or Polar Opposites?

So today at school I am trying to run through my Christmas musical and all chaos broke out. Basically everything I had worked on and taught my kids was over-ruled by my team and leader and thrown out the window. I am trying to work on a very structured and professional concert and somehow it got turned into the "Redneck Show" from down the street. I tried to lay out my instruments in a very structured and professional way and they decided to throw my instruments in large containers (pickle buckets) and call it good. This made the students have to adjust to this change and then more chaos broke out.

Earlier this week I was told I can not take roll of which kids are there and which kids are not. In the past I have always done a head count at least to see who has shown up the concert. I do understand that I am teaching in a MUCH different environment that I am used to and I have the adjust to that myself but they are just so flippant about it all. I was told "too many parents work and cannot get their kids up here". I tried to make it a commitment thing and again, they "nixed" that and I am left with whoever shows up. I just don't know how I am supposed to conduct an even half-way decent concert and performance if I cant do it my way or I have to just "half-butt" it as I like to call it. That is so not me at all and I hate it. My name is going to be all over this show and it will be a reflection of me not just the school or music department.

While I was working at my previous position I was talking to my principal and administration about the thoughts and plans for Chris and I to move to Houston and be closer to family. I shared with them my dream of becoming a college band director and teaching at the collegiate level someday. We talked for a while about dreams and aspirations and actual turn -outs and my principal gave great insight to me which I ponder about all the time. She said "You know, sometimes WE have plans and everything is planned out but what about God's plan. Your plan and God's plan may not be the same. You need to brace yourself." I took that statement with me but still thinking I would get there one day. After a day like today and the school year and position I am in right now, I wonder if she is right. Alot is going on in my life right now and I just don't see that dream of mine coming into play anytime soon. Yet at the same time, I don't even see me wanting to teach anymore after a day like today. I am beginning to wonder if not only mine and God's plans were the same but are POLAR OPPOSITES! Maybe I am not even on the same road as He is.

I am really struggling with my job right now and trying to make through each day. I have prayed and prayed for a better attitude and outlook on the whole ordeal and I feel better but then as soon as I get a decent vibe, I am right back where I began. I have ALWAYS loved teaching and loved being with the kids. Even when I was at my very first job, which was also not what I thought it was going to be, I still liked teaching band and enjoyed making a difference in the kids lives. Right now, I feel as if this is just a job and paying my bills. I don't have that passion I used to have. This really scares me. Just another moment of "You don't know what you got until it's gone."

My motto for most of my posts is "God is good... All the Time". I do believe this and I that is why I make a point to put it in my posts. I know God is going to take care of me and my job situation and struggles. I just have to give it to him. Of course, we all know, that is the hardest thing to do. I covet your prayers for me and my job! But yet again...

God is Good... All the time!

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