Friday, January 6, 2012

His Hands

So today I got to stay home with Natalie Grace. Her fill-in babysitter while Jackie is recovering had a family member pass and she and her family traveled to funeral today. Even though we just came back from a 17 day vacation from school, it was nice to be able to stay home and spend some time with my little girl. Soon she will have to share this time with the new little baby and I know both her and I will miss these days.

Since returning to school and even while on Christmas break I have been pondering and praying about not only a healthy delivery (or surgery in my case) of this new bundle of joy but also for the following school year. Never in my life have I EVER thought about being a stay at home mom. I have ALWAYS wanted to work and even with Natalie after about 6-7 weeks, I wanted to get back to what I loved to do. I actually missed my job at that time. Even though I will never forget the day I had to leave Natalie for the first time and how hard I cried (I left her with my Grandmother who came in from Wichita for a week to take care of her- I will FOREVER be grateful for that), I still wanted to get back into my "routine". For my entire 6 year teaching career I have always loved my job and what I did despite not being able to spend that quality time with my family.

In hind-sight, Chris being laid off from his job when Natalie was only 2 months old was a true blessing from God. During the 22 he was without a job, I would have never admitted this and probably laughed at those who told this to me. However, during this time Chris was able to spend that quality time with Natalie that many kids never get from their parents. Though many times we were not only living "paycheck to paycheck" but also loan to loan. It was a very difficult time financially for us but in the end we made it through and Natalie was brought up by her dad and not a worker at the daycare.

Before Natalie was born I was asked by many if I was going to quit teaching and stay home with her. My response was always "No!!!" In fact I would get a little upset the more times I got asked that question. I thought "Why do these people think I should stay home? I am a working woman! I need to work and continue to focus on my career even with a child. I have goals to achieve!" At this time in my pregnancy, no one has asked me this question... except me.

I have mentioned in other posts about my job and the lack of passion I have for it. I think this has a lot to do with my feelings right now but I just keep going back to the fact that if I work... my kids will have to go to daycare all day. And this time around I am not talking about the small town family oriented daycare like there was in Shawnee. Oh no! I am talking about the franchised- not owned by a family, workers just there to pay the bills, type of a daycare. Every time I think about this, I just break down and cry. Part of these tears come from my frustration of my job and its situation but most of these tears come from thinking about how this new little baby will not get that time with it's parents as a baby like Natalie did.

I am just so scared that with the economy we are in right now and the education crisis that not only Texas but the entire nation is facing once I leave, I will NEVER be able to get back into the education field. I am sure I am over-exaggerating but that is the way I feel. This whole school year I have felt like me teaching in elementary and not band will make me an outcast in the future for band jobs. If I have these feelings while I am still teaching, how are my feelings going to be when I am NOT teaching?

Those of you that know me well know I have always had a "one-track mind" when it comes to my career. These past 6 months God has really taken off my blinders and got me thinking about my career and more importantly...MY FAMILY. Sometimes I wonder why God does what he does and why he does certain things at certain times. I am sure we have all pondered these questions at some point in our lives but unfortunately these questions will have to go unanswered until Christ returns or brings me home to be with him. As I have mentioned before, my dad's and grandpa's favorite saying is "It' a FAITH issue, Kellie". I know and I am leaning on Him for the answer right now!

Right now I am not sure what I am going to do about my job and my career and how I am going to take care of Natalie and this new baby.  I am trying now more than EVER to take off my blinders and let the Holy Spirit speak to me like only He can. I covet your prayers for me and my family as we ponder this situation and how it will effect our family not only in the next year but the next 10 years. Either way... I know God is in CONTROL and HE HAS A PLAN... I just have to look to Him!
As I am writing this post I am listening to some of favorite encouragement songs of Faith on my itunes. Just a minute ago the song "My Life is in Your Hands" by Kathy Troccoli came on. I just stopped, listened and prayed to God. Sometimes the simplest words can really speak to you.

My life is in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping
I'm never without love
Not when my future is with You

My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
Cause Your love does amazing things
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands

If your life is not in His hands today, take a minute to pray to God and ask him to forgive you of your sins and come and live in your heart. You will be ETERNALLY blessed and grateful.

God is Good... All the Time!

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